When I saw that this week’s topic was “past” for A is for Adelaide‘s challenge, I have to admit that I winced a little. It’s not that I don’t have anything to write about, it’s just that I really don’t know where to start or what to share.
My childhood was idyllic. One of those funny tricks the past can play on you is erasing the bad times and shining on the good. I really don’t have any truly bad childhood memories (besides each traumatic bee sting!), and for that I am forever thankful. My therapy came years later, and not as a result of my childhood. Now who can claim that? :).
Teenage and college years of course had their angst. Experiencing my first true heartbreak was beyond awful, and there was the normal worry about where my life would end up. I think most have that right? Oh yeah, there was the car accident that was a big deal, and dental hygiene school which academically was three years from hell, but otherwise I’d say life was a manageable up and down.
Perhaps that’s why life after college got so crazy. Maybe God wanted to show me loud and clear that He is in control, and I’m not master of my fate and commander of my soul as much as I’d like to think. Who knows, but what I do know is that I unabashedly and unknowingly threw myself into a relationship and marriage that ended up being the stuff of nightmares; nightmares and Lifetime TV movies. Which I used to love by the way before my life became one and drama lost its luster.
So five years of that and (by God’s grace) lots of healing later I am in something new and wonderful. A healthy marriage. With normal drama like arguing over dishes. Oh, the sweet beautiful music of the mundane! Our challenge now lies in infertility and a miscarriage. Which is a whole different kind of pain, but that adds another thread to the tapestry of my past. Apparently I didn’t get the memo the first time that I can’t control it all, and so here I am with yet another opportunity for growth. Accepting that my timeline is not what I thought it would be and that my past is far, far from perfect.
But it’s mine. All the beauty and all the pain of the past is mine, and although it doesn’t define me or dictate my future it is part of who I am, and accepting that helps me look forward. Forward to hopefully many more lovely days to outweigh the loathsome. Life has proven itself quite the ride.
“We are products of our past, but we don’t have to be prisoners of it.”
How do you view your past?